Chapter 1 - He’s Just that Into Me? My Testimony

“Elizabeth, you are so fat and so ugly and no boy is ever going to like you.”

The words pierced my heart as Michael, the most popular boy in school, stood looking at me in my 8th grade classroom surrounded by all of my friends and classmates. I remember feeling extremely hurt and embarrassed. As the tears stung in the corners of my eyes, I looked Michael in the eye and said, “You just wait, Michael, someday you are going to want me and I am going to laugh in your face!” I haven’t seen Michael since 8th grade graduation, but those hurtful words that he said to me have stuck with me for the last 15 years.

Maybe those words would not have stung so badly if I hadn’t already hated who I was from the inside out, but I did.

I am the middle of five children. I have an older sister and brother and a younger sister and brother. There is quite an age gap so I was not very close to my older sister, Julie, growing up. By the time I was old enough to hold any kind of “mature” conversation Julie was in college. I really looked up to my older brother, David. He was four years older than me so in my eyes he was the coolest person on the face of the planet. We would play with Lego’s, have stuffed animal wars, and build forts. We even put our money together and bought the original Nintendo with Super Mario Bros. I did whatever it was that he liked to do just so that I could spend time with him.

As we got older, the age gap felt wider. All of a sudden it became un-cool for him to be with his little sister. I didn’t understand this because I was still young. One day, I knew something was wrong when I went through a list of things that we would always do together and he didn’t want to do any of it anymore. He would just yell at me and tell me to get out of the room. I was eight. I didn’t understand. I just felt rejection from my hero.

From about 8 years to 16 years David and I could not be left in the same room without a referee. We fought over anything and everything. I just wanted things to be like they used to be. But, when I was 16, David and I rekindled our affection for each other. We finally got to hang out more. We went to church together, movies together, and anything else that there was to do in our small town. We even had the same group of friends! But in those eight years of separation and hurtful words, damage was done.

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From as early as I can remember, I always felt like I was too fat and too ugly. I also got in trouble a lot because my mouth never learned to stop to let my brain filter the words before they left my tongue. So not only did I hate what was on the outside, but I hated what was on the inside as well. I could never keep a secret for my friends and I would always talk back to my parents. I remember looking in the mirror wondering what my purpose was on this earth.

Going into junior high, I wore x-large t-shirts, flannels, and baggy jeans with a pair of tennis shoes. I didn’t own a dress. I didn’t fix my hair. I did, however, wear the brightest red lipstick I could find. For my 13th birthday my parents got me a caboodle filled with make-up, I was finally old enough! For those of you that don’t know what a caboodle is, it was at the time the coolest thing a girl could own. Mine was plastic colored with different pastels. It was a make up case that was bigger than my body. But let me tell you, it was cool! So, you have a girl who wore bright red lipstick, was drowning in her clothes, and it looked like a rat lived in her hair. I obviously didn’t have a high opinion of myself…I put no time into my appearance.

In 7th grade, my church went on a 10 day trip to Fresno, CA to dry peaches and then to San Diego to learn about missions. It was on this trip that I got a big crush on my youth leader, Steve. I told my friend, and she then told my leader, which freaked me out, but half way through the trip, Steve came up to me and told me that he was flattered.

“WHAT!?” I thought, “A boy is flattered by me?! Boys don’t like me, especially not boys that I like!” I couldn’t believe that Steve was flattered by the fact that I had a crush on him. Unfortunately, this was a radically unhealthy situation. Steve was 20 years old. And that was the beginning of a two year relationship.

Steve was not only the Jr. High intern at my church; he was also my P.E. teacher at school. I remember I would tell my teachers that I had to go to the bathroom so that I could go and find him and talk to him. My heart was completely spoken for! I didn’t see that it was wrong or unhealthy. In my head I was mature and could handle it. I just knew that we had to keep it a secret because people would not understand our love. We went two years with hours of secret phone conversations, several paged letters, gifts, and wearing his ring from when he was in high school. He would give me his flannels to wear because he would say that he liked the way they smelled after I had been wearing them.

Steve promised me that when I turned 18 he was going to marry me. He was going to wait for me. We always said that we would work together at church. He would be the youth pastor and I would be the Children’s pastor. We had our futures planned out…

Around that time, my dad broke the news to our family that he was taking us to Costa Rica for a year to learn Spanish as part of an effort to eventually reach the Spanish community in our city. The words broke me! I couldn’t believe that he was taking me away from all of my friends my first year of high school, and STEVE! I couldn’t leave. These were the only people I ever knew! The night before my family moved, Steve sang to me “I will never say good-bye” by Boys II Men. I am really aging myself here! Then he hugged me and promised me that he would be waiting.

It was about eight months into our year being away from home when I got the news. Steve was getting married. It was the worse form of rejection that I believe I had ever felt. “How could he break his promise?” kept replaying over and over again in my head. With this news, and already being bitter about being taken away from my hometown, my heart grew very hard towards my family, God, and especially towards myself. I just kept thinking, “I am too fat. I am too ugly. No boys are ever going to like me.”

In the midst of my anger towards God and my dad I was partially molested by an older Hispanic man. This situation obviously did not help matters. I then started dating a man behind my parents back. By this time I was 15 years old and my boyfriend was 21 years old. I hated God. I told him that I would never be a Christian and that I was over “church life”. About a couple months into this new relationship, my parents found out about my secret boyfriend and sent me home to live with my youth pastor and his family. The hurt that I caused my parents by lying to them about my boyfriend and my hard heart tore me apart. Once again another reason to hate myself, “Who would hurt their family like I did? I’m a horrible person.” It took several months for me to begin to receive from Jesus. I really had to be broken before I could even begin to see His face again in my life.

After the series of these significant events, I entered into high school with a very low self-esteem. Instead of pressing into the Lord and getting his view of me, I searched out guys to tell me of my worth. I would kiss any boy that told me I was pretty. I had a huge hole inside of me that I could not fill. I just needed to hear a boy tell me that he loved me and that I was pretty. Other than Steve, no one knew how to love me. He was who I was supposed to marry and I apparently wasn’t good enough for him! So, why would I be good enough for anyone? I was so eager to give my heart away. I just wanted to love and be loved. I was completely oblivious to the fact that God loved me and desired my love. Sad to say, I don’t think that that would have been enough for me.

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At 19 years old I decided to do a five month mission trip with Youth with a Mission (YWAM). The best decision of my life! In these five months I relinquished my hurt and rejection with Steve, my brother, and my dad. For the first time in my life I was overwhelmed with God’s heart for me. It was at a Friday night worship event and we were singing, “You are My Shepherd” by the Vineyard. We were singing the words, “You know who I am, you made who I am, and you love who I am.” I had to stop singing because I didn’t believe the words. Through tears I wrestled with God over his feelings for me. It was a battle of me not understanding His love for me, and Him trying to communicate that His feelings were true and real. All of the sudden, it slapped me in the face, “God, you know who I am, you made who I am, and you LOVE who I am!” Ever since that realization, I have never been the same. I had a God that loved me in the way that I always searched out for love. Not only did he love me, but he knew me! I met my first love that night.

I am not going to say that the battle was over there. There are still mornings I wake up and struggle with liking myself and I have to remind myself of the truth. But this time I have a hope to turn to whereas before, I would just wallow and be depressed at who I thought I was. It was also during my time with YWAM that the Lord revealed to me that He had a purpose and a plan for me. He put me on this earth to show the broken-hearted, the “Father-heart” of God. As time went on, my calling became more specific to me. It was to show the broken-hearted teen girls the “Father-heart” of God. God could use all that I went through so that I could relate and understand the girls that I would later minister to and love.

When I got home from doing my mission’s trip, I was a new woman! I glowed with God’s love for me. I remember people telling me that I looked different. They would tell me that it wasn’t my physical appearance but something inside of me had been changed. There was a confidence about me! Thank you, Jesus!

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In the fall of 2001 I started my college experience at Hope International University majoring in Youth Ministry. I wish that I could say that I dated no one until my husband and that my self-esteem was forever not an issue. Somehow, I let that piece of life steal my joy. I was working two jobs and taking 18 units in college. I didn’t have any time for fun or friends. That is not a good situation for someone like me, such a social person. I did make time however for a few different boys that I now look back on and see Satan’s sneaky little way of distracting me from what mattered, which was, getting good grades, paying my bills and my on-going relationship with the Lord.

I remember it was the summer before my last semester of college. I had a hurtful ending from a job I had really enjoyed, I lost a friend who died in a car accident, and my grandpa who I was close to passed away due to cancer. I was filled with so much pain. I didn’t want to go to church. I started drinking. Boys came around and I did not guard myself, I kissed any boy that was interested. I remember this time as a deep depression.

During my last semester of college, I kissed more boys than I would like to share, slipped in my grades, and lived off of my credit cards accruing debt that took me years to pay off. I also grew very bitter towards the church. I was never mad at God, though. For some reason I knew that He was there with me the whole time, but I felt I was wronged by the church that I had been employed at, so it made me bitter at the church in general. I refused to go. I think that because of my mom’s faithful prayers, I finally got to a point where God asked me if He or I were going to be Lord of my life, and I knew that I couldn’t do life on my own so I chose Him. Ever since I made that decision, I have been pressing into Jesus never once regretting my decision to choose him and serve him.

During the course of my “stupid time” as I like to call it. I had a friend that was constant. Jason was always looking me in the eye and asking me what the heck I was doing. He was constantly reminding me of who I was in Christ and telling me how disappointed he was in me because he knew that I was capable of so much more. Jason was my hard truth for the six months of straying. It got to the point where I would avoid him because I didn’t want to hear about how I was messing up because I already knew that I was not living a life that I was called to live. Little did I know that about a year and a half later that man was going to be my husband!

During my time with YWAM I was challenged to make a list of non-negotiables for what qualities I want in my future husband. I made a list of 35 things along with 3 bonuses. Jason and I had been dating for a few months and I found my list in my parent’s garage. My eyes almost popped out of my head when I read and realized that Jason had all 35 non-negotiable characters ALONG with the three bonuses! I knew for sure at that point how important it truly is to not settle.

God knew from when He knit me together in my mother’s womb that He had great plans for me. God knows us better then anyone on this planet; he wants what’s best for us. I have not always known or felt it, but God from the moment I was born has been pursuing me for a relationship. Boys may not have been that into me, but God from the get-go has been JUST THAT INTO ME!!